Talking to Kids About Divorce
Age-appropriate guidance to help your children understand and cope with family changes. Navigate this difficult conversation with love and honesty.
Before You Talk
Prepare yourself first:
- • Plan what you'll say in advance
- • Choose a calm, private time
- • Have tissues and comfort items ready
- • Coordinate with your co-parent if possible
- • Prepare for various reactions
Key Messages to Share
"This is not your fault"
Children often blame themselves. Emphasize repeatedly that the divorce is an adult decision about adult problems, and nothing they did caused it.
"We both love you very much"
Reassure them that while the marriage is ending, your love for them will never change. Both parents will always be their parents.
"We will take care of you"
Explain that adults will handle all the big decisions and changes. Their job is just to be a kid.
What NOT to Say
- • Don't blame the other parent
- • Don't share adult details or problems
- • Don't make promises you can't keep
- • Don't ask them to choose sides
- • Don't use them as a messenger
- • Don't say "everything will be the same"
Toddlers & Preschoolers (2-5 years)
What they understand:
- • Simple concepts
- • Changes in routine
- • Emotions through tone
- • Concrete, immediate things
How to explain:
- • Use simple words
- • Focus on their daily life
- • Repeat the message often
- • Use books or toys to help
Sample script: "Mommy and Daddy are going to live in different houses, but we both love you very much. You'll have a bedroom at both houses, and we'll both take care of you."
School Age (6-12 years)
What they understand:
- • Cause and effect
- • Permanence of divorce
- • Impact on their life
- • Other families' situations
How to explain:
- • Be more detailed
- • Answer their questions honestly
- • Discuss practical changes
- • Validate their feelings
Sample script: "Dad and I have decided we can't be married anymore. We've tried to work things out, but sometimes adults realize they're better as friends than as husband and wife. This means some things will change, but our love for you never will."
Teenagers (13+ years)
What they understand:
- • Complex relationships
- • Adult emotions
- • Long-term implications
- • Their own relationships
How to explain:
- • Be honest but appropriate
- • Respect their maturity
- • Discuss their concerns
- • Don't overshare
Sample script: "Your mom and I have made the difficult decision to divorce. We know this affects you too, and we want to hear your thoughts and concerns. We're committed to making this transition as smooth as possible for our family."
Anger
"I hate you!" or acting out behaviors
Response: "I can see you're really angry about this. It's okay to feel mad. Let's talk about what's making you angriest."
Sadness
Crying, withdrawal, or depression
Response: "It's normal to feel sad about big changes. I'm sad too. Would you like to talk about it or would you like a hug?"
Bargaining
"If I'm good, will you get back together?"
Response: "You are already good, and this decision isn't about you. Nothing you do can change this, and that's not your job."
Regression
Acting younger, bedwetting, or clinginess
Response: Be patient and understanding. Provide extra comfort and reassurance. This is usually temporary.
Check in regularly
Ask open-ended questions like "How are you feeling about everything?" or "Do you have any questions about the changes in our family?"
Be prepared for delayed reactions
Children may not react immediately or may have new questions weeks or months later. Stay open and available.
Address new concerns as they arise
As life changes, new worries may surface. Address each concern with patience and honesty.
DO:
- • Keep it age-appropriate
- • Reassure them of your love
- • Listen to their concerns
- • Maintain routines when possible
- • Get professional help if needed
DON'T:
- • Blame the other parent
- • Share financial details
- • Make them choose sides
- • Use them as a therapist
- • Promise things will be the same
Consider professional support if you notice:
- • Persistent sadness or withdrawal
- • Significant behavior changes
- • Problems at school
- • Sleep or eating issues
- • Aggressive behavior
- • Regression lasting more than a few weeks
Ages 3-7:
- • "Dinosaurs Divorce" by Laurene Brown
- • "Two Homes" by Claire Masurel
- • "It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear"
Ages 8-12:
- • "The Divorce Helpbook for Kids"
- • "What Can I Do?" by Danielle Lowry
- • "Standing on My Own Two Feet"
Teens:
- • "The Divorce Helpbook for Teens"
- • "My Parents Are Getting Divorced"
You're Helping Them Through This
Having honest, age-appropriate conversations about divorce helps children process their feelings and adjust to changes. Your openness and love make all the difference.